~ * Vents * ~

16.06.20

Hello, this is my first entry and I'm really excited about it. I'll tell you about what I'm thinking tonite! So, what I really wanted to talk about was my recent dreams that I'm having... My dad says that when you dream it's because you're in a deep, calm slumber. Even nightmares! So I guess if I've dreaming a lot, it means I'm sleeping quietly, so this is nice..... about the dreams now... Hm... I don't really know how to explain, but I had 3 that I rememember well. The first one was actually about me getting lost on my grandma's city at night and in the rain. I couldn't call my dad for some reason. So, I explored a little and found a condo and found a friend's house. She told me that she couldn't help me now, but her friends might help me forget about it and maybe help me and stuff... so I found them, and they just asked me to join them on a game that they were planning to play.. it was kind of a hide-and-seek game but everyone was hiding, and it was a monster who was seeking. So we did, but I was too scared to continue and ran away, crying so anyone could help me. I found a boy who was weirdly glowing (I call him Kevin), and he helped me to call my dad, so I did. In the meanwhile that I was waiting for my dad, me, Kevin and the guys that played the hide-and-seek thingy hanged out for a bit, and when my dad called, I said goodbye to my friends and jumped on my dad's car... that's how the dream ended... The second and third ones I don't remember very well, but I kinda remember the setup. The second one took place on my grandma's house and my grandpa was there, he died in 2016 and God I miss him so much. He hugged me, and seemed to know that he passed away, so asked me for updates on my life, asked about his pet that he deeply cared about (our tiny Chihuahua called Pepe) and a bunch of other things, which I happily told him about. I don't remember how the dream ended but that's most of it lolz. The third one took place on a building in which I'm not familiar with. It looked kinda like Hogwarts, but it was completely made out of wood. In the middle of the events of the dream, some sort of epidemy started to happen. Covered every inch of the wood with a gross, rotting moss that consumed everything, and liberated a weird scent that if you smelled it, or touched the moss, you would become some sort of rotting zombie body, with the skin being kinda like leather, and you started to say nonsense all of the time, before passing away. The only way that you could get rid of the moss was with fire. So someone took fire on their already sick horse, and asked me and some other people that I made friends with on the dream to jump on it and ran away as fast as the horse could. So we did, but the horse died in the middle of the way, so me and the other people died consumed by the horse's flames. THOSE WERE MY DREAMZ!!! I find them really interesting lolz. I hope you had a blissful time reading them, because I sure had writing them. Tysm. :D

Update 16.06.20 22:20 pm

So, some minutes earlier me and my family were talking about personal stuff, when the topic of my health (me don't eating much and having my hair weak because of it) came up. My mom brought it up. And I hate how much she blamed me about that. And I hate it because she's right, it's my fault. My health is so poor and I'm so weak because of my ass that doesn't like to get out of my comfort zone, and prefer instead stay on bed crying and destroying myself. My distorted and rotting body makes me want to close my mouth and never eat again. It's unbelievable how lazy and disgusting I am. To end on a positive note, and hoping this will lift my spirit up, my scars are healing very well and fast. In a few days I believe they will be gone.

17.06.20

Recently I've been thinking about a situation that happened to me. I may appear tough, but I'm a sensible person. Even if you say something slightly sexual or offensive, I might go along with it but inside I'm SCREAMING. That's why I think it was my fault, I didn't do anything to stop it, you know. My childhood friend has been acting really sexual to me. In my country, I'm still a minor and I'm not sure of his age but he's older than me, still a legal minor tho. The difference is that in my age, I can't consent, but he can. I'm not sure if this is a valid feeling, you know. I've been searching everywhere for similar stories, or friends that I can vent to but I hate to worry people, and If my parents knew they would take drastic methods, in which I'm not sure if they are necessary. I vented to someone, though, but they are not very nice to me either, kinda bitter. I'm so glad I started this, just so I can vent. This diary is helping me a lot. I feel so disgusting for letting him do these things to me. I don't text him anymore. I saw him as someone I truly trusted, and tbh, he was kind of an older brother. He uses his feelings against me. He says he's lonely and ugly, and no one loves him. I can't help but feel sorry, too. I dont hate him. I hate myself for letting this happen. I feel so dirty and disgusting. Thank you for reading.

21.06.20

I'm enjoying a lot of fictional media recently. It gets me so genuinly happy and I get so immersed on it. So much that I start to prefer being laid down on my bed, spending the whole day in a fictional world that I created in my head. This isn't healthy. It makes me hate reality. It makes me think how happier I would be if I weren't here. I start treating myself badly, instead of talking to people that I love, I prefer talking and being around fictional people inside a fictional world. It makes me feel so special. It makes me think that all my problems would vanish. I don't want to be so dependent like this, you know. I wish I could live happier inside the reality I live in, instead of looking for happiness inside fictional worlds. But I can't get away from craving a special reason for my being. When you are young, it's so easy to think that life is meaningless. I start to think that if I killed myself, whatever comes after will be better than my normal life. I HATE THIS!!!! I want to be happy!!! I love my friends and I used to love my life, but when I started to consume fictional media I just realized how sad I am. I try to think positively and be grateful for everything that I achieved in my life, and I become so sad and disgusting when I realize that I feel happier inside a fictional world inside my mind. I should be happy for how many people think I'm special. I should be happy when looking at my life. BUT I'M NOT AND I DON'T KNOW WHATS WRONG WITH ME

23.06.20

It wasn't my fault, so please stop messaging me !!! I just want to run and cry

27.06.20

I've been listening to The Caretaker's Everywhere at the End of Time. I've seen some people say it helps with remembering memories, and maybe it will distract me a bit. People say trauma makes you forget your past, and I think that's true. I dont remember basically anything from yesteryear and later. I don't remember school. I don't remember my grades. I don't remember holidays. I don't remember anything. My earliest memory from last year was just in october, when my dog was taken home. Thinking about this makes me extremely anxious, and my dad says it's something to be worried about. I think I worrry my parents too much. I don't eat. I lack memory. I'm ugly. I'm not intelligent. I'm not talented. I'm just lucky, that's all. Lucky for having a family. Lucky for having friends. Lucky for having a house. Lucky for not having to worry about what I'll eat in the morning. My weak body and stressed mind say to me that giving up is easier. And sometimes I think that's for the better. I dont have anything to lose, you know? I'm constantly in an inner fight with myself. I know it sounds edgy and kinda exaggerated, but this is how I truly feel. I hate to vent with people, it just makes me embarassed and it also makes me look weak. I dont want to look weak. God. I need treatment. But it will just sound ungrateful to ask.

14.07.20

Oh God. It's been a while since I last updated here, and doyjaan~ i'ts my blog's 1 month anniversary! Well, barely. I'm 2 days off. But still! Life treated me well on those 2 weeks of no updates. I've been safe from covid!. I now have a doctor appointment tomorrow on another city regarding my problems with my poor body health! Yay! Hopefully I'll get more meds to help me with it. Although those good things happened with me, I've been struggling more and more with body image and priving myself from food. My thoughts weren't kind about it either. I've been thinking a lot about how I was exposed to such bad and disgusting things as a child and how that affects my behavior socially. I'm so scared of using shorter clothing because I'm afraid people will do disgusting things. Online, mostly, the comments affected my mental state to an horrible level. I'm living tho. Living through suffering, but I believe all of this struggle will make me stronger. I guess my bright look for my future is what keeps me going. I'm sure that if I was a pessimist, I would be long dead by now. I guess I could call this survivor instincts! I'm a wild little lady. I've been also weirdly bitter towards people these days, and I think that's also my instincts making people be distant from me so I worry them less. I feel like a horrible human for doing this, but I think my parents know that I love them a lot. Well, that was a brief summary of what I've been up to, but on a more positive note I spent a lot of time with friends this past week, playing games and just deepening my relationships. Started a new project as well! Hope it goes as we've been planning.

9.8.20

I've started to crave abuse. To like, wait for it. It's making me rot inside even more. I physically feel like my insides are twisting, it hurts so much. Unconsciously. From seeking abusive relationships that will never work, isolating myself and even triggering myself into breaking down. I think it's my mind giving me the punishment I deserve for being such a disgusting bitch. Even when people snap at me, I take it, because it's what I deserved. I caused it all, I'm a filthy monster. This results into me cutting again. Not only cutting, priving myself from food, scratching, and even screaming. It isn't sadness, it's anger. God. I wonder what would happen if I blocked everyone I know and started from scratch. I used to love myself, my life. I'm so spoiled. Am I okay?

25.09.20

Whoa. It's been a while since I last updated this blog, and I certainly feel like stuff happened. Well, I met a guy that is incredibly nice to me, although I feel like he hates me lol. It was my birthday, 3 days ago, actually. It was fun. I ate like a pig tho, so it wasn't that good. That's actually pretty much it. When it comes to my current situation, I've been fairly depressed like always. Nothing cheers me up, and I live like a zombie: barely sleep, don't pay attention to anything, and that's my whole day. I started to feel like I'm being watched all the time, and I have shivers every time I see a mirror or look outside windows, mostly when it's dark. Besides that, I feel like everyone hates me, and I feel like everyone talks behind my back. I trust no one. Also, I started to cut again, but now it's my tighs. I'm sorry for being this negative all the time, mostly when it's a life update, but this is a vent blog. I'm being raw about what happens in my life, and I don't want to sugar-coat anything; so yeah, I'm being truthful. I truly feel this way. I don't find happiness anymore. What happened to me, I wonder?